I cut the lawn for a woman two houses down from our house. She has a large lawn. She has asthma and told me it took her four hours to cut her lawn because she had to rest many times to catch her breath. I told her I would cut her lawn when I cut my lawn. I've cut her lawn over 50 times in the last three years. Her lawn grows as if the grass is on steroids. In 2019, there were no breaks in cutting the lawn because it never stopped raining, unlike it normally does in July and August and the lack of rain inhibits the growth and gives me a break from cutting the lawn.
The length of the grass and the upcoming two days of heavy rain convinced me her lawn needed cutting the afternoon of Monday, September 30th. September 30th had temperatures in the 80's with high dew points. It was hot but dry. I was not looking forward to spending the next 50 minutes cutting her lawn and then 30 minutes cutting our lawn with my 22 inch Toro self-propelled lawnmower but I felt it had to be done even if I was out in the hot sun losing significant amounts of water from my sweating body. I unhooked the drainpipes from the eave troughs of her house and then began the hot lawn cutting session.
The lawn takes time to cut because of the lot. The house sits east and west. The east side has about a 10 foot swatch of grass between the garage of the property line of the house next to it. The west side has a 15 foot swatch of grass between a deck elevated five feet above the lawn and a row of trees planted by the house owner to the west. The west side also has a small front lawn in front of the house. Below the house is a substantial yard. The challenge is to cut the east and west side lawns and the west front lawn while at the same time making some headway on the lawn below the house. Over my many times cutting the lawn, I came up with the most efficient way. I would start on the east side, swing down the south side, and come up the west side. I would then reverse and continue this until the lawns on the east and west side and the west side front lawn were cut. I would then concentrate on the remaining lawn at the south end. Throughout many times I completed the lawn mowing process, the west side deck was never occupied.
I started my assault on the lawn in the afternoon after the lawn had sort of dried out from the rain of the prior day. I went from east to west and returned. I did this three times. The lawn cutting was a quarter of the way to completion. I was on my west return trip when I came up half way to the deck. I noticed movement in the periphery of my left eye. All of a sudden an older woman rose from a lounge chair on the deck. She was wearing a white bikini in which she clutched her bikini top to her breast because the bikini top was not tied in the back. She motioned to me to turn off the lawn mower. I was shocked. Over the many times I had cut the lawn no one ever sat or lounged on that deck. The only life on the deck over the years were a few house plants. I also knew it was not the house owner. I had no idea who this woman was.
She started talking as the lawn mower stopped. She continued to clutch her untied white bikini top to her breast. I thought I heard my name but I was not sure.
“....Why does it take you 15 times to cut the lawn along here?”, she called out in an angry voice while clutching her top to her breasts.
I was still in a state of shock and my brain was also not functioning. My normal smart-alecky response would have been something like “I only went six times but I can redo it if you want.” That response did not come from my mouth.
“I am sorry. I did not see you. I did not know you were there.” I whispered. That was the best my brain and mouth could do. My brain was still frozen from surprise.
Then she got irate. “You certainly did know I was here!”
I was flabbergasted. Her diatribe implied that I was cutting the lawn simply to watch her sunbathe on the deck in her white bikini. Until she garnered my attention from the lounge chair, I never knew she was there.
And who was she? I did not know for sure. She could be the reclusive neighbor living in the next house to the west of the deck. Her husband and I knew each other because I blow snow from their driveway in large snowstorms But I had not seen her close-up for many years. If she did say my name then I thought that might be the mystery woman. However, I was not sure which added to the confusion my brain was trying to sort out as quickly as possible.
My brain stayed deficient. It had not recovered from the first crack about the 15 times of cutting around the deck. It was even of less use now. My mouth also failed. The best I could do was utter a weak, "Sorry."
I started up the lawnmower and went back to the back lawn. I mowed a strip and stopped. My brain was coming back. It was unfrozen. My mouth reacted with relief.
The first cogent thought from part of the brain was, "What just happened?"
The other part of the brain answered, "Hell if I know!"
The first part of the brain reasoned, "The lawnmower makes noise. We don't know how far the sphere of influence exists before she is not bothered by the noise. What the heck are we doing here?"
The other part of the brain agreed, "Let's get the hell out of dodge before we are accused of something else!"
Both parts of the brain cooperated and told my body to push the lawnmower, not look back at the deck, and go home and cut our lawn.
After I cut our lawn, I headed inside. I told Jean about my experience with the sunbather. She thought it was a great story.
The sun stayed out on that last day of September 2019 until 6 p.m. and so I avoided the neighbor's lawn because I did not want to again experience the wrath of the nearly topless sunbather.
I went back to the neighbor's lawn the next day when it was starting to rain. I saw half of the lawn was still not cut. I re-hooked the drainpipes to the eaves troughs. I looked and there was no sunbather in a white bikini. My brain, both sides, kicked in with many retorts to the situation as it presented itself yesterday. "I am cutting the lawn and not wasting my time looking at you."; "What the hell are you doing on her deck!'";"You don't have anything to protect with that bikini top!"
Another part of the brain told the retorts from yesterday's brain parts that failed, "It is a little late for that fellows."
I returned three days later to finish the lawn mowing. The day was cool and windy. Every time the lawnmower and I were in sight of the deck, I made sure there was no one sitting in the lounge chair. I breathed a sigh of relief each time I confirmed there was no action on the deck.
From now on when the sun shines and I have to cut the neighbor's lawn, I will look to see if there is a sunbather on the deck. If there is, I will walk the lawnmower to the deck and offer the sunbather the opportunity cut the lawn once she has completed sunbathing. I will even show her how to start the lawnmower. After that me and my brain, all parts of the brain, will sit down and have a beer.
